oh baby...

3.5.2012

i swore to myself that i wasn't going to do this, but i'm finally at my breaking point about now. i am SERIOUSLY wanting another baby and i mean, time NOW! there seems to be some pregnancy epidemic going on and it seems like i'm the only one not being blessed with baby #3 :( it really does make me sad, because i wanted this year to be the year that i have another baby. i wanted this baby and anya to be close in age just like anya and isabela are. i didn't think it would be so hard this time around trying to get pregnant, because it happened so fast with isabela and anya. there is definitely something 'wrong' with me and yet all my tests have come back normal. 

i stopped taking birth control in august of last year and to this day i have not had a regular cycle. before, my cycles were about 31 days and for some reason now they are all over the place...43 days, 45 days, 64 days, 37 days, etc. i mean, how am i supposed to get pregnant when i don't even know when i'm ovulating? it's all very frustrating! i want a baby so much.

friends of mine are expecting their third or second baby and as much as i am so happy for them and can't wait to hear of their deliveries and seeing pictures of their precious little bundles of joy, i can't help but feel jealous and a little angry too. i know it's selfish of me to think this way and also to keep wanting another baby when i have two precious, beautiful girls of my own already. God knows that there are women out there who don't even have one and are desperately waiting and wanting to become mothers themselves...

i hate that i'm in this position and i wish i could just forget about it...you know what people say, the moment you stop trying or looking for something, that's when it will happen or you'll find it. i don't want to stress myself out, because i don't want anything interfering with my chances of conceiving. ugh. i need a distraction and fast.

a friend of mine knows exactly how i'm feeling and ironically she's one of the ones that i am now jealous of! of course our situations are different and she had an underlying condition that was making it difficult to conceive and unfortunately for her, she had to suffer probably one of the worst things that could happen to a woman, she had a miscarriage. i felt so sad for her and everything that happened, and even though she will never forget it and the baby she lost, i am happy to say that she will be able to hold her precious little girl in just a couple of weeks! so excited for her :)

so anyway, that's what's been going on with me. i pray to God that he will bless me and jaccob with another beautiful baby when the time is right...i just hope i don't have to wait too long. 

honestly, i don't think anyone reads my blog...but in the off chance that someone does read this, i just ask that you please pray for me and that i see a second pink line or plus sign the next time i take a home pregnancy test.